Blistered Heart
by Rob5
Summary: Carter, having trouble dealing with a loss, needs all the friends he can get


Title: Blistered Heart   
Author: Rob - fatabbot@btinternet.com   
Archive: Not without permission please   
Category: Carter/(Insert preferred partner here) :) Angst   
Rating: PG-13   
Spoilers: Maybe a bit of season 8, as this has some spec.   
Author's notes: Another early hours of the morning fic. Hope you enjoy :) I've left it quite open in terms of the storyline. The only things that are certain are that Carter has lost someone close to him and a female friend helps him through this tough time. The rest is up to your imaginations folks :)   
Disclaimer: I don't own em so don't sue me please :)   
Summary: Carter, having trouble dealing with a loss, needs all the friends he can get.   
  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------   
  
  
As he opened the door and stepped out onto the roof the cold air hit him like a wall of ice. He grimaced and wrapped his overcoat tightly around his body, ignoring the wind cutting into him like a razor blade. He approached the edge of the roof and looked down, how many of all those people down there had he helped or saved? Hardly any probably, it was a harsh reality, a cold reality. Almost as cold as it was up here. Almost...   
  
How many people had he saved? The question ran through his mind again and again. How many people had he brought back from the brink? How many people had he helped? Why couldn't he help her? Why couldn't he save her? He had to stand by and take a back seat as fate took its natural course. It took her away from him, and she wasn't coming back.   
  
He bit his lip. He didn't want to cry. The most poignant thing she said to him before she went away was, "don't cry for me John. Be strong for me." He would try his hardest to carry out that wish, but it was going to be hard. Another gust of wind rocked him, it was so cold his tears would probably freeze. He clenched his fists and saw his white skin turn pale. Why? Why did he have to react like this? He had been preparing for months but it still crushed him like a tonne of bricks. First one then the other, the two most constant things in his life had been taken away from him and he felt lost without them. Too many questions, not enough answers. He felt himself bite down on his lip again. It was way too cold up here, what was he thinking?   
  
He heard the door creak, but he didn't bother turning around.   
  
He felt her eyes watching him, concerned, but cautious. Unsure of what to do. He felt her watch him sit down on the floor and lean back against the railing. He hardly had enough courage to look at her, but he did.   
  
Their eyes met but he didn't smile, and neither did she. There were no false pretences at moments like these. He looked at her with a raw expression, his most sincere in months. For while now he'd been forcing himself to act a certain way around her, it had got so bad he felt like an actor. Now he was too crushed to cover anything up; his hurt, his fear, and his pain. It wasn't worth lying about. He could tell she was trying to smile, and he loved her for it, but the way he was looking at her stopped her from doing anything. The weather had frozen her where she stood, and she was nothing but a beautiful ice sculpture.   
  
He looked down at the floor and she walked over to him slowly, her arms and legs creaking into life. She sat down next to him and rested her head on his shoulder softly. He felt his heart race and his body warm up. Every word of sympathy that everyone else had thrown at him was nothing compared to this, simple contact, simple comfort.   
  
"I'm so sorry John," he heard her coo softly.   
  
He felt his mouth slowly grind into action. A million words trying to force themselves out at once. All he could manage was, "s'ok."   
  
Her head rose up slowly and the ice moved quickly to freeze over his shoulder again. She sighed and he felt her breath on his hands, still pale from the cold. "Are you ok?" She asked gently. He wanted to say yes, he wanted to say no even more. He felt his mouth lock as the words tried to squeeze out. Giving up, he simply looked at her and shook his head.   
  
She took his hand and stroked it gently with her thumb, smiling softly. This time he let his head rest on her shoulder. He stared out into space and forgot about the cold, for a split second it was just the two of them, sat in a small huddle. Then the wind blew again.   
  
"Jesus," she whispered and he smiled, his first for hours. "You could've picked somewhere warmer Carter." He let out a laugh in the form of a short, sharp breath and she rested her head on his. "You wanna go someplace warm?"   
  
The gears creaked into life again... "Yeah." She stood up and pulled him to his feet. She began to lead him out when he stopped. All of a sudden promises were impossible to keep. Every emotion he had stored away under lock and key broke free. It was too much. He felt tears make their way slowly down his face, a few solitary tears, and then the rest came. Like a fountain they began running down his cheeks and he could do nothing to stop them. She turned to see him crying and held him close as he sobbed loudly into her shoulder.   
  
"Ssshhh, it's ok. It's ok. Be strong."   
  
"Be strong." The words echoed in his head but he still couldn't stop. He knew she understood and didn't try. He didn't want to 'be strong' anymore. He just wanted a release, he just wanted to let go, and she let him.   
  
Slowly his sobbing ceased, leaving him to sniff up the last few tears. She stepped back and looked up at him, almost forcing him to look at her. When he obliged she simply stared at him, the look on her face saying everything. He nodded, and she put her arm around his shoulders and led him back downstairs. As soon as they started to walk through the ER he could feel everyone's eyes on him. Al showing him the same sympathetic looks. He kept his gaze focused on the floor. She half-smiled at everyone and they gradually went back to what they were doing as the two of them made their way outside.   
  
She slowly slid him into a booth and sat him down before sitting opposite him. He felt so detached, it felt like everything was moving in slow motion. He heard her mumble a few words to the waitress standing over them with the little notebook. She looked at him and his mouth slowly churned out the words, "coffee... black." He looked around at the people sitting near him, all oblivious to him and what he had just had to endure. They had no idea. His thoughts were dispersed by the sound of porcelain hitting the table with a dull thud. She called out a thankyou to the waitress who was now halfway towards the exit, ignoring her politeness. He smiled as he stared hard into the black liquid and felt it slide down his throat as he took a sip, grimacing slightly at the heat of it. He put the mug down and stared out into space, wondering how things could turn this way so quickly. He should have been prepared, but how can you prepare for something like this?...   
  
Finally she spoke, "John... say something." His expression changed at the sound of his name. He looked down again and mumbled into his chest...   
  
"There's not much to say."   
  
"I know, I know... it's just..."   
  
"I can't believe she's gone."   
  
"Sometimes you just have to try and..."   
  
"Be strong?"   
  
"Well... yeah," he chuckled, "what?"   
  
"Something she said to me before she died, 'don't cry for me be strong for me.' I want to but..."   
  
"It's hard?"   
  
"Yeah."   
  
"You can get through this John. You are strong, you might not believe it, but you are. You're going to get through this."   
  
"I hope so." She reached out and took hold of his hand, playing with his fingertips before wrapping her fingers in his. She smiled warmly and he couldn't help smiling back. She was wrong, he wasn't strong, 'she' was the strong one, and she was going to pull him through it. He knew it.   
  
"You fancy some ice-cream?" She said with a smirk on her face.   
  
He chuckled lightly, "I'd like that." 


End file.
